News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize