Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
