I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
