I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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