Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
