can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
