Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
