I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
