What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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