Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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