Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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