i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
