What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
