He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
