You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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