Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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