so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
