Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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