i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
