dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
