Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
