You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
