I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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