Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
