If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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