I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
