My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
