I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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