Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
