I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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