And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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