"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
