I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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