Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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