I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
