By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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