you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
