Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
