so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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