I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
