Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
