I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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