he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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