i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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