Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
