smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize