i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
