i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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