No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
