Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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