saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
