i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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