So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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