Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize