It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
ttyl tear gas
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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