I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
