It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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