she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize