If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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