either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
