Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
