Your face is a jimmy john
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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