I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
