oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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