I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize