Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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